My worms speak to me with a thousand little voices. As does Google. The big difference is my worms are synchronised and harmonious, whereas Google is a clashing cacophony of cross-information. I built Worm Farm Mark I based on some internet information that turned out to be wrong.

I knew it was wrong when all my worms attempted to drown themselves.

‘Something is wrong,’ I said.

‘No shit, Sherlock,’ said my worms.

Rhonda L. Sherman saved me (and my worms). Rhonda is to worms what Dianne Fossey was to Gorillas, or Jane Goodall is to Chimpanzees, or Timothy Treadwell was to Grizzly Bears (before they ate him). Rhonda is a Doctor of worms, an author of vermiculture and a respected lecturer and teacher on all things wormy.

I seriously suggest that anyone wanting to do small scale vermiculture watch this lecture. If you do you shouldn’t have to start over, like me:

A summary of the ***ULTIMATE*** Worm Farm:

1. Worm bins need ventilation
2. Drill drainage holes, but note: a perfectly balanced worm environment SHOULD NOT produce excess water
3. Worms need bedding (NOT soil) – soak paper (newspaper/office shredding), squeeze out water and tear/fluff into worm box
4. Add worms – min 1000 ~ 1lb
5. Feed worms small amounts of chopped up food waste. Worms will eat anything that was once living. However, as my worms keep saying, “This isn’t bloody Arrakis.” So think small quantities and big surface area and DON’T OVERFEED
6. Continue to moisten the worm-house with a spray bottle – DON’T pour water on your worms.
7. pH should balance naturally but avoid acidic foods, mind the water levels and keep the nitrogen content high so heat stays low.

Look – no suicidal worms:

I’ve opted for the two tier system (glass jars as stands for second box). The worms will migrate to the second layer when I put a new bed in with food. Note the minimal amount of soil and the large amount of well soaked and torn up newspaper and paper towels.

It was a mission to rescue all my worms from their ‘bad’ environment and put them in their new home. But so far they seem happy.

“Are you happy,” I asked the worms.

“As Larry,” they chimed together.